Collateral Masturbation
by alli-sun
Summary: Bones. 22nd century. At first, Zack is hesitant about his new clone. Addy 2.0 has a different perspective, however.


**Collateral Masturbation**

**Summary – **Bones. 22nd century. At first, Zack is hesitant about his new clone. Addy 2.0 has a different perspective, however.

**Pairing –**Zack/clone!Zack

**Disclaimer – **I twisted up Bones with my evil jedi mind powers. But I still don't own it.

**Warning – **Slash (boyxboy). You might also find CLONE!SMUT disturbing.

**A/N – **My thirteen-year-old sister mentioned this as a joke. But it stuck in my head, and I ran with it. Honestly, it's just an excuse to write more Zack. Double the Zack = double the sexy!

* * *

Dr. Brennan did a double-take as she passed by Zack, who'd been staring at the security camera projection for the past ten minutes. He was observing the very first moves of the gunk-covered figure in the other room.

"This one didn't spontaneously combust?"

"The other one didn't _spontaneously _combust," Zack corrected, though his painful expression recalled the smelly incident. "It secreted unknown fluids that reacted with oxygen upon exposure."

"But you've already exposed this one to oxygen. And it hasn't combusted yet."

"I entirely restructured my preliminary procedure," Zack shrugged. No big deal, really. Dr. Brennan gave her nod of approval. Her clone was already at her apartment doing all the housework and secretarial organizing, but she expected Zack would catch up soon.

* * *

"Why is there another one?" Booth exclaimed. This he shouted upon seeing Zack, in his protective white suit and Jeffersonian helmet, and the other Zack, naked in the swivel chair. The other one, the second one, seemed to be trying to chew through his mop of hair. "Oh Universe, please tell me I'm hallucinating."

"What's all the fuss about? I have a clone," Dr. Brennan snorted all too calmly. "It's only fitting that my assistant does too, seeing that he's on the level of scientific expertise to create one."

"You think the government is willing to pay for _two_ squint clones?" Booth wasn't happy. His eyes always widened and his hands always itched toward his laser revolver when he wasn't happy.

"This is coming from my assets," Zack interjected. "The government doesn't have to pay anything."

"You have assets?"

"…Hodgins' assets, technically," Zack admitted after a short silence of accusative glares.

"I think Hodgins will be fine with this," Dr. Brennan assured Booth, who was frowning heavily.

"Actually, I was planning on having him forget about it," Zack stated. "Either that, or he's already too distracted to notice." When they both looked vaguely confused, Zack took the liberty to articulate. "I injected Angela with 5-Dehydroepiandrosterone when she wasn't looking, earlier."

"I never follow anything he says," Booth muttered.

"It's a precursor to testosterone and estrogen," Dr. Brennan explained. Now she appeared to be quite amused. "Essentially, the sex hormones."

Now silenced, they were aware of the faint, constant _bm…bm…bm…_ All three looked down upon the floor with shared knowledge of what the security scanners would pick up throughout the day.

Zack's clone began to throw up.

"He's still adapting to a bacteria-filled environment." Zack didn't know why Booth kept glaring at him. Someone had to explain the puke.

* * *

Zack had picked up the second-hand Instructive Housekeeping film during his lunch break, and was now waiting for his clone to finish watching it. He had his own evening procedure over his house settings to program, and didn't expect for the clone to turn up in front of him ten minutes early. He was still wearing the plastic pajama set he'd been fitted in earlier. The tattoo **Addy 2.0** stared at him from the clone's neck.

"What was the purpose of that?"

Zack frowned. Well, this was slightly disturbing. "You shouldn't possess the power of speech."

"That is not a satisfactory answer," Addy 2.0 scowled. Unfortunately, he was still talking.

But clones were _stupid_. They couldn't talk and barely did they feel emotion. Their nature was purely physical, if anything else, restricting their activity to hard labor, military service, and—dare he say—prostitution. Everyone knew that. Except Addy 2.0, Zack realized, who didn't know anything except his immediate surrounds. Ah, this was a didactic process. Alright. He could do that.

"It was a visual learning process," Zack stated loudly to his own face. "It instructs common housekeeping technique."

Addy 2.0 narrowed his eyes. "That defines its state of being. It does not define its purpose relating to me watching it."

"I can understand your inclination to communicate, but how could you possibly have vocabulary skills?" Zack wondered if he would get an answer.

"That is not a satisfactory answer." Clearly not.

Zack never did enjoy dysfunctional conversations. He knew in this situation who would have to yield, though. "Your purpose is to do my housekeeping," Zack enunciated clearly, and a bit too slowly.

"Who decides my purpose?"

"I do."

"Who are you?"

How to explain this? Zack needed to turn this in his favor, quickly. "I am Zack Addy. I used my genetic makeup to duplicate my physical form, and you are the result. I created you. Therefore I am your authority."

"But you are essentially me," Addy 2.0 raised his eyes. "Why aren't you watching the video, too? Is your purpose also housekeeping?"

It was unquestionable logic. Zack gave up (for now). He went to make his own grilled cheese sandwich and throw his own dirty socks through the laundry pipes.

* * *

"He shouldn't be able to talk." Dr. Brennan's voice broadcasted clearly into Zack's speakers. Addy 2.0 sat beside him, staring around cynically around at Zack's living room. "His brain hasn't been fully developed and he hasn't been exposed to the proper environments that promote communication. What you say is impossible."

"But he does," Zack sighed. "You can hear him. Speak," he ordered the clone. Addy 2.0 gave him a bland look.

"Zack, I don't hear anything." Dr. Brennan didn't sound too annoyed, just…apprehensive.

"He doesn't want to talk, and I don't know why," Zack scowled. "But I assure you, Dr. Brennan, I would have no reason to lie to you."

"I believe you, Zack," Dr. Brennan reassured him. "You'll find a solution for this. It's the weekend and you have time. You can treat this as a short-term experiment."

"I'm not even sure what I'm investigating," Zack grumbled. "But hopefully I'll—" and suddenly Addy 2.0 pressed a series of buttons and the speaker phones died with a crackle. Zack usually didn't get angry, but, "_What do you think you're doing?_"

"You're experimenting, I'm experimenting," Addy 2.0 stated simply. "It's only logical."

That evening, the entire electrical system burned out.

* * *

It was pitch black. And overly hot. Zack decided that if he so wanted to, the clone could sleep on the bed. But he wanted to make one thing clear. "We're not the same thing. It's impossible for the same thing to occupy different spaces. It's physically intangible."

Addy 2.0 raised his eyebrows. He pointed to a scar on Zack's left wrist. "What's that?"

"A scar," Zack frowned. "I accidentally cut myself when I was eight."

Addy 2.0 held up his left wrist. It contained the same scar. Zack's face began crumpling in defeat.

"But _I _created _you_," He insisted. "I came first. If we were the same thing, we would experience everything the same way. But I have experienced infinitely more than you have, and I have developed in ways far more complex than yours. Thus we are not the same thing. Thus we do not have the same purpose."

His train of thought was impeccable. He knew it was.

"Your definition of _the same thing_ does not make sense," Addy 2.0 admonished. Zack froze. No one had ever said that he didn't make sense before.

"Defend your argument!"

"My argument is that your argument doesn't make sense. I am pointing out the fallacy of your argument while essentially having no argument of my own."

"That is impossible."

"That is incorrect."

"We'll discuss this later when you give valid reason to believing that I'm wrong," Zack snapped petulantly. Arguing with clones who shouldn't be able to talk clearly induced headaches. He rolled over, abandoning his blankets. It was too damn hot.

* * *

He'd been sleeping for two, three hours? Someone was shaking Zack by the shoulder, insistent with every rhythmic tremor that ran through Zack's slumbering body. He chose to speak when he was finally coherent. "What?"

"What's the name of this piece of flesh between my legs?"

"I believe you're talking about your penis," Zack said. He made a lazy attempt to sit upright, and was partially successful. "If you need to urinate, the toilet is over—"

"Urinate?"

"…release yellow fluid. From the tip of your penis." Did the clone have no knowledge of bodily functions? Then why was his mental capability still so strong?

"I don't think I have to urinate," Addy 2.0 said, "though you would know better. Look."

The one-word command opened up a view of the stiffening shape Zack hadn't noticed before beneath of the folds of Addy 2.0's plastic dress. As he revealed his bare flesh, the standing penis came proudly into view as Zack's eyes steadily widened.

"That's an _erection_."

"What's the significance of that?" Addy 2.0 wondered, staring down at his own shaft. "Does it mean I have to urinate?"

"…It means you're aroused," Zack muttered darkly in defeat. "You seem calm now, but it may become a nuisance later. You'll have to masturbate if you want to get rid of it."

"Get rid of it?"

"The bathroom is toward your right. If you remain in the bathtub, that's the white cylindrical object, you can leave the ejaculation there and the appliance is programmed to self-clean."

Addy 2.0 was now staring at him with a sort of bemused tiredness. Zack wasn't sure why, he thought he was being quite helpful, especially considering that he hadn't had a proper night's sleep in days.

"I don't know what it means to 'masturbate'."

Oh, so that was the problem.

"Just touch yourself. Close your fist around your penis and stroke it. Continue doing that. You will elicit a strong physical response eventually." Problem solved. Zack rolled over and closed his eyes again. Regardless of Brennan's recommendation of having a weekend experiment, Zack decided that he would spend the whole weekend sleeping in bed.

"Touch myself?" Addy 2.0 asked the silence that now greeted him. "But I am you. And you are me. If I merely touched one body, then that would be inadequate."

Zack's eyes popped open again. "You can't possibly mean—"

And suddenly Addy 2.0 was on top of him, announcing, "We must touch each other simultaneously in order to masturbate."

"I'm not even aroused!" Zack found himself wrestling from the mass of arms that were trying to hold him down, peel his clothes off. "No! Stop! Your argument is still void of substance, so I refuse to—stop it!"

Addy 2.0 looked him at incredulously. With simple, monotonous conviction, he stated, "You don't control me."

Clearly not. Because try as he might, Zack couldn't fight the erection weaning up at the clone's demanding hand. The eager little thing seemed to be pushing his pants lower and lower down his waist. He did continue to glare in protest, though. "This is terribly inconvenient."

"Why? By your definition, you're aroused. Your instructions have sufficed well." Addy 2.0 stooped lower to observe the appendage identical to his own.

"Forgive me for being awkward," Zack coughed stiffly, beginning to breathe just a bit harder from Addy 2.0's ministrations, "but I don't often engage in mutual masturbation with someone whom I—"

Addy 2.0 once again squinted at him, as if he had a terrible time understanding anything he said. "With someone? Someone else?"

"There is nothing else I could mean besides _someone else_."

"You fail to understand," Addy 2.0 shook his head. "I am you. You are merely touching yourself."

This strange intelligence should be off-putting. But of all the things in the world that Zack had to find ridiculously sexually stimulating, it just had to be his own damn clone wearing that stupid plastic dress and the sight of their two identical erections dancing mere millimeters from each other. _I'm touching myself_.

_I'm touching myself._

_I'm touching myself and I find it very pleasing_.

Contrary to common belief, Zack had sex before.

He just never knew if the other party enjoyed it very much. _Well_, he thought, as he allowed his body to tremble a little at a particularly long stroke, _my problem is solved. According to the substitution property, if I don't find it pleasurable, neither does he…_

Minutes later, by which time both were losing coherency of thought Addy 2.0 guided Zack's hand consistently in the mess of grinding erections. Of course, they had to touch each other. Oh, but Addy 2.0 had the situation of their cocks under control. So Zack was at liberty to touch his back—_his own back_. His legs—_his own legs_. And then smooth back up and _touch his own behind_.

"Do you…e-enjoy this?" He managed to choke out.

"I-I do," Addy 2.0 sighed back. "Why is…my speech…impaired?"

"Side effect of sexual activity," Zack whispered in a rush chorus of words as a new idea dawned in his mind. He had never considered the idea before, partially out of fear of the unknown and partially out of the physical limitations he foresaw. But this was a special case. "S-stop! Stop for now."

Addy 2.0 refused to listen. He was clearly in the habit of doing so. Zack's eyes flashed in frustration. There was only one logical thing to do. He grabbed Addy 2.0's hands tightly and said "I wish to engage in another sexual activity. Therefore you must, too. We must commence immediately."

"Oh," Addy 2.0 groaned in understanding, only discerning the words _sexual_ and _immediately_. "What do we want?"

"We want for you to lie back."

"Oh?"

"I will be on top of you."

"We would enjoy that."

"We are of the same proportion and height. These are highly helpful to the reciprocal nature of the sexual activity we wish to engage in."

"We are not interested in the mechanics of the situation," Addy 2.0 insisted, looking close to desperate. Zack found himself staring at his own aroused state. So that's what he looked like. "Would we achieve orgasm through this, as you call it?"

"I believe so."

"Then tell me what we must do."

Zack needed not to be told twice. He straddled his clone's head and leaned forward, offering a simple "Mimic my actions" before swallowing his clone's erection.

He didn't think he would ever engage in oral sex. The thought of taking into his mouth the same organ from which urine came never sat well with him. But somehow, the knowledge that this was his own penis he was taking into his mouth and that was his own mouth taking his penis seemed to solve everything. Best of all, they were both fast learners.

Zack felt he was caught in an impossible cycle of sexual stimulation. It would be physically impossible to feel completely shared pleasure, mathematically disclaimed and scientifically unfeasible. Yet that was what must have been happening as they let out moans at the same time, licked at the same time, gave a long suction at the tips at the same time. Unexpectedly, Zack turned back a centimeter to breathe, and when he felt hot breath fuming down on his on cock, that was when it happened. They climaxed simultaneously.

_Lesson learned_. Zack sighed sleepily next to the warmth of his clone. _Do not question the logic of the clone. It is impeccable._


End file.
